Please don't judge it as a peice of writing, or a story, just read it as an event that effected my life completely and absolutely,
A Quarter of a Second !
It takes less than a quarter of a second to completely change a man’s life,
I took that path when we turned left at Alaska,
And now the chopper was flying due west,
There were 7 of us, and the crew of the helicopter,
It’s not even like we were anything special, or doing anything really important,
No we were just to get in,
Leave the devices in place, and home in time for Cocoa!
Well at least that’s the idea, 10 hours they said, we had 40 minutes for the job, the rest was travelling stealthily, unseen, flying at ground level, we could almost pick cones from the trees,
There was no hitch during our flight in; apart that is from King, and his bowels, funny how these things stick in the mind, even after more than 30 years,
The chopper was on the ground for just 4 minutes, we were clear of it and under cover 60 seconds prior to it lifting back off,
7 members of a specialist team, all Royal Signals and experts in covert comms,
The job was simple we go in, quietly, place the devices, activate them, and get out, no problems,
We were in a Soviet Naval Complex, it housed a training camp, a listening post, a KGB regional office, oh and several Nuclear Submarines and these were not our targets,
Out in the sticks, some 7 km away from the main office complex, was a dilapidated grey and drab looking smaller office complex, visually it appeared almost unused, you might of thought it was a stores, or maintenance department, there was no external security,
So why were 7 British Soldiers on Soviet soil, uninvited, and armed?
It was understood by all in the party, that they would not be recognised, acknowledged or helped in anyway if caught,
This might sound like a joke, it might sound overly dramatic, but the fact was, we did not intend getting caught,
That’s what changed my life, forever!
On the ground was where the real dangers lay,
Just 14 Minutes later we reached, the outer perimeter fencing around the “Stores”
Two of the lads dealt with the alarm systems and would then be responsible for covering our backs,
We were in, unnoticed and with time in our favour, the Intel had been good, there were no slip-ups, everything, and every one was where we were expecting them to be,
It was a little exciting being on possibly Russia’s most secret and secure military facility, and staying unnoticed made for a fantastic game of hide and seek,
And now the moment of fate approached, all five devices in place and working, the team were reassembling, the exit strategy as perfect as the rest of the operation, six minutes from now we’d be back on the chopper, lifting off, and clear of the base, our exit from Russia had to be quicker than our entry, this time they might know we were there !
So all is well, we’re exiting cleanly, I’m on point, at the front, we’re in single file running along an outside wall of the complex, but before anyone else saw anything, my rifle raised, a 7.62mm round left the barrel, and within a “Quarter of a Second” a Russian soldier fell silently to the ground, blood trickled from his forehead the entry wound right between his eyes, the exit wound was where half the back of his skull had been blown away,
His pale blue eyes, hadn’t even had time to register surprise, they were still looking down at the papers and files in his hands, now tightly clenched, the boy was no more than 19 or 20, but he was never getting up again,
Did he have a wife? A girlfriend? Was mom cooking his dinner that night, They would never know what had happened, If we made it out the Russians would not admit we’d been there, they had been breached, he would simply disappear, his body unlikely ever to be found,
Did he have children, would a little girl grow up fatherless, her mother heartbroken wondering where and why he had gone!
These thought crackled like lightening strikes against my skull, I stood shaking in disbelief, 10 seconds later King on point, we were making for the nearest escape point the lads shoving me along, I still saw his eyes, it was those piercing blue eyes that troubled me,
Despite what happened, no alarm sounded, our exit was almost clean, the two covering us took to the rear, and we reached the pick up point 2 minutes early, I couldn’t get the picture of a little boy crying, because daddy hadn’t come to read his bedtime story,
We took defensive positions, as the chopper came in, still no alarm sounded, I could tell King was shouting at me, but I couldn’t hear him, the sounds of women crying, wailing and praying to their God drowned out even the noise of the chopper, two of the guys pulled me into the chopper doorway, and we lifted away,
He’d shaven that morning, his glasses were sparkling clean, and the lenses magnified those eyes as they searched across my soul, he had no time to ask, but I know he wondered why? Why me? Don’t you know I have much still to do?
I was freezing, I didn’t care, I could feel no warmth at all, the medic on the chopper crew was speaking, again I only heard Russian anguish and bewilderment, I hadn’t heard a word in English since I raised my weapon,
I don’t think I actually felt the injection, I think they expected me to sleep, My eyes were open all the way back, looking into the cold blue steel of Russian eyes, eyes that held dreams and ambition far above the rank of corporal in the Russian Army Pioneer Corps,
From the excellent Intel, we’d known who was where and when they moved, even when they went to the toilet, No-one was even supposed to use that door; It should have been locked,
No one ever told me why, why did some clerk corporal in the Russian Army come through a door he had no business coming through, I’m not bragging, but I was good at my job, I didn’t think, I didn’t hesitate, he entered my field of vision, I was on point, He died,
I gave him no choice no chance no thought, my rifle came up, and he fell, what thought was on his mind, well I’ll never know, would I say sorry, No! To be sorry would have meant hesitating, and a chance for his gun to rise and for him to live 2 seconds longer before King took him out, of course he’d have killed me, but maybe some of the others would have got out , the alternative was capture, torture and eventually and blissfully death would come to all,
So as you see, I really had no choice, plus King was hopeless, he’d never have coped with killing someone without warning, I let the round off, and the blue eyed boy from Russia lay cold on the ground even as we crossed into Finland,
No Mig’s chasing us, no anti aircraft fire, again nothing going wrong, except for the young man with no back to his skull, he lay there frozen in a moment of time forever, and all because he came out of the door, I couldn’t let him live, couldn’t give him a choice or a chance,
In the years since I’ve written to our blue-eyed boy to explain that many times, and to all his family as they existed in my mind, each time I justified myself, made my excuses, But never once did I forget those eyes telling me I could have waited, maybe he wouldn’t have seen us, maybe we’d have stayed safe, I never did believe it,
I knew I done right, but doing right isn’t always right, right? After all I could have died instead, I doubt he’d have worried about my wife and son, not even for a quarter of a second!
And could I wait, let him live, knowing that 6 other members of the team would die too, no we were too well trained for that, and each and everyone of us would have taken him out in a heartbeat, No one would be happy, no one wanted to kill, we were soldiers but we were on all technicians not gung ho special forces bent on killing everyone in sight,
Fear crept in, silently, I would have to pay, I knew that, you can’t kill a man and not pay for it one way or another, had I known the torture and torment I would face would I still have raised the barrel pointing it at blue eyed boy and snuff out the rest of his life,
When was I made God, deciding whether or not someone lives, or lays in the floor with a hole the size of a fist in the back of his head, images flashed through my mind, Images I never actually saw, we after all didn’t wait to perform a post mortem, but he was dead, or we would not be heading into Finland,
The journey blurred, nothing around me made sense, and still all I could feel was the distress the horror, the loneliness of a family in Russia, King bent in towards me, talking, he be loud, he always was, but I heard non of what he said, he looked scared, more worried really, he stared into my eyes, looking for me, but I wasn’t there any more, and I doubted I ever would be again,
I pulled the trigger, blue eyes died, and somewhere deep inside me, so did I!
It was a righteous shoot, there would be no trouble, no inquiry, I would be admonished of all guilt by my peers, but would my God forgive me, don’t get me wrong, I’m no religious zealot, but could I stand before the God I believed in, and justify my actions?
I didn’t think so, I needed to think things through, I needed quiet, I wanted to be alone, I got up, at least I tried, I wanted to get out the door, Not an attempted suicide, why wouldn’t they let me be alone for a bit, outside there would be peace, outside I could clear my mind, find myself, get away from the ever louder Russian voices screaming at me, I hit out, King was in the way, he went down, that soppy daft look he wore framed surprise on his face, I reached the door, the handle, was about to pull, when the blackness overwhelmed, last thing I saw was the syringe in the medics hand,
The next few days were rather surreal and never really clear in my memory, when I was something like conscious, I was still lost in the world that was Russian grief, of course I’d never actually know if blue eyes had family, and I knew this wasn’t real, but still my only reality was the misery I knew I’d caused,
I tried to remember, different things, when I last ate? Where I was? But always the blackness came before the memory would,
One day, was it the next day, or 10 years later, I fought myself, I would wake up and I’d remember to ask them, any of them, it was burning in to me, I needed to know, how could I stay sane without knowing the answer, would blue eyes know?
My life changed, for 18 years I was one person, a quarter of a second later, I was another, I no longer knew who I was, the real Kevin died in an instance, It was like looking in the mirror, and not recognising the face looking back,
I screamed, I thought it was a silent internal, never ending scream, but apparently not, a vague recollection over the years of the looks on their faces, the nurses the doctors, they tried to calm me, they tried to reason with me, but they couldn’t make me hear, they did try, at least at first, but each time, they seamed to lose patience with me, and the foggy blackness would sweep over me, and each time the last thing I saw was the hypodermic pulling out of my body, even though I never felt it enter,
Among all the impatient there was one face, a face that tried, one face who stayed, even when I screamed at my loudest, echoing the wailing screeching voices inside me, not just my head, but deep inside every fibre of my existence, but there was no comfort there was no silence no peace, no escape, no let up,
The one face, was Larsson, Larsson could have been my mother, my lover, my guardian angel, she was never any, and yet as good as all, I never heard a single word Larsson spoke, but for the hundred years, that really only took around 72 hours, Larsson was the only hope in my world, I never even knew Nurse Larsson’s first name but Larsson smiled, she didn’t think me a nuisance, she didn’t rush away, she was my world, the only window that left a view of the real world for me!
I guess you think I fancied Larsson, No, I don’t even remember what she looked like, Only her smile exists in my memory, Larsson was my life for just 72 hours, and then I really lost my hold on life in this world, the blackness came again, and they took me away, they were sending me Home to the UK though I didn’t know anything that was going on, so they put me out again, they didn’t want me getting off the plane mid flight!
So should Larsson read this, I’m alive, Thank You, whatever I put you through for those 3 days, you saved me from the demons eating every last fragment of the me-ness inside me.
When I woke, I was totally lost, I still heard nothing in English, I still only heard the grieving of what seemed like the whole Russian Nation, I found my self lying on the floor on a mattress, my arms crossed in front of me and leading round back behind me, a straight jacket keeping me restrained, I didn’t understand, what had I done, was I so evil, they needed to tie me up? I’d killed blue eyes, yes that I remembered, but I had too right? We were trained to do that, why were they punishing me where was Larsson, she’d make it better,
I tried to shout her name, but it all came out like an UN-godly scream again, so they put me out yet again, the next few years or was that seconds or days followed this pattern, I woke, scared, often wetting myself, I’d try and call for help and instead my voice was just wailing, vibrating in time to Russian sobs and tears, and they would come and put me out again, at first I hoped Larsson would be back, but she never was, they had stolen my only hope of survival, truly now I was dead, my body hadn’t understood, it carried on struggling, but I knew I was dead, I prayed blue eyes would come and put a bullet in my head, that he would release me from my earthly hell!
I still hadn’t remembered to ask, I still didn’t know, and each time it burned deeper and deeper inside me, scarring what was left of any soul I might once have had, I could feel the heat, the heat from the fires, I was still ice cold all over, yet where my heart was meant to be the fires burned into me, the fires of hell, where surely I must be headed,
Just 120 hours ago, 5 days ago, I was a soldier a trained, professional “ Expert “ in communications, with a whole career ahead, and little by way of worries, suddenly a quarter of a second passed, blue eyes died, and now I was a killer, they accused me, in my head, they screamed at me, they hated me, being hated is one thing, but being hated in another language is another thing altogether,
unable to understand a word, yet to know every hateful thought thrown at you, from a family and a people who may not even exist, it seamed blue eyes would take me with him,
I don’t really remember why, but wetting myself happened a lot over the weeks that passed, but I was never embarrassed why would I be, I’d died, there’s no shame when you’re dead, when you deserve to suffer, then what good is shame, shame doesn’t correct the mistakes you make.
King was always a gormless looking clown, sometime later, I’m not clear when, his face and his dodgy bowels loomed large in front of me, I knew he was trying to be tactful, in a clumsy oaf sort of way, he tried to cheer me, to tell me about the mission, the other guys, I knew what he’d be saying, even though I never heard a word, I tried to beg him for help, I was crying, but I saw in his face, I was still screaming and screeching, it showed as pain, like chalk on a board, or metal against metal, physically hurting the ears,
King loved me as a brother, but he couldn’t look at me 3 seconds in a row, I think I scared him, in later years, in the Falklands, King took 2 bullets in the chest, but he dragged 4 other wounded back to waiting help before he’d let them look after him, they gave him a Medal for that and eventually he became too bad at his job, and so they made him an officer, as punishment!
About this time I started taking comfort from sitting on the floor in a corner hunched up, with my hands on my knees and my chin tucked into my knees too, and I screamed at anyone who came into sight, desperately hoping one of them would be a Larsson, but they never were, I had no hope, no reprieve at all, I truly was dead!
Would no one understand, would no one be able to still the troubles in my heart, It may have turned to stone, It may have spent all it’s time frantically trying to rationalise my behaviour to myself, and any maker that laid claim to me,
But the pain I felt was the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, why was shooting and killing a man I didn’t even know, easier than forgetting, letting go, or sleeping without being doped to keep me quiet?
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t pity myself, my pain was that I couldn’t turn things back, I’d very rarely in my life even hit anyone, certainly not a stranger, and now, without thought, in the space of just a quarter of a second, I snuffed out the life of Corporal Blue Eyes, and he wouldn’t even get a medal for it, worst still, and a thing that troubled me deeply, he wouldn’t get a decent burial, his family wouldn’t get his remains back, and his reputation would be deliberately besmirched to save face for Russia’s leaders,
I still looked into his eyes, but I still hadn’t asked them, I tried, but speech no longer seamed part of me, I guess dead men don’t talk, but thoughts were starting to occur across what little was left of my mind, and it occurred to me, that at least 5 more days seemed to have past, I at least had some concept of time, so if 10 days or more had passed, where was mum?
Mum and I weren’t close, but she’d have been in Finland before I was and I’d been back in the UK maybe a week? So where was mum, that was it, I needed mum!
I know 2 more days passed, I still heard nothing but Russian, and so many times I tried to call out for her, but no words, only screams formed in my head, I had to get mum, Please, I need mum, I need her NOW!
I think at this point I had control of my bladder at last, but please don’t think badly of me, after 2 days of trying to shout for my mum, I wet myself, again and again, and kept wetting myself, I did this as a cry for help, it made sense, trust me, I don’t know why, but it did make sense,
My next strategy was even worse, when they open my door, I’d run at them, no intention of hurting anyone, just run at them, get out, and run down the corridors shouting for mum, she had to be here somewhere,
Of course there was just one problem with this strategy, I could barely stand, let alone walk or run, and running at 16 stone rugby playing nurses was a slightly dodgy strategy anyway, and they were the women!
Needless to say, I failed, several times, and of course, now I was being “Aggressive “ and that meant more time doped up in the blackness, where is mum, Mum! Mum! Help me please!
I don’t like this place, It’s darker even than the place the drugs bring, I thought in hell at least the flames would light the place up, why can’t dead men even find peace? Why do blue eyes pierce deeper than other colours, why won’t he let me go, I know I have to be punished, but every moment of every day?
I think I slept last night, without being doped up, I dreamed, terrible, wicked dreams, but in between, I’m sure I slept, maybe I found a quiet place, Maybe it wrapped around me, like mum did when I was frightened, where are you mum? I need you, please, don’t leave me here alone,
I have to ask them, mum will know the answer, “ Mum … “ the reaction was amazing, the nurse dropped my tray, the clatter of plastic plates and utensils hitting the floor shocked me, frightened, I shot to my corner, huddled up, and whimpered, softly, and I wet myself again,
But now things were changing, they started talking at me, they even let me out of my room a little, I kept calling out for mum, I think that at least sometimes I used words, because sometimes some of them seem to empathise a little, at least they looked toward me, with comprehension in their faces,
And then it happened, I almost missed it, the Russian barrage continued all day and all night, there was still no peace anywhere, but among all the racket in my ears, in my head, all around me, then almost imperceptibly a word, just one word, the only word, in what I later thought might be more than a month, she said “ Mum “
I started to cry, really physically cry, I didn’t even recognise this nurse, and I don’t think I ever saw her again, but for the very very first time, I’d heard a word in English, was my Russian Hell finally cracking?
No my hell didn’t suddenly disappear, but bit by bit odd words here and there , were definitely in English, at last I had some contact with my own real world and I think maybe this was the only glimmer of hope I had, the only thing I could cling to, or curl up in the corner and wet myself and die, alone!
I still had the burning question on my lips, I still needed to ask anyone who would listen, anyone who cared,
Mum didn’t care, I’d been here many days, and still she wasn’t here, I was still all alone,
I felt even more alone, as the days passed, mum never came, I had been abandoned,
I felt hopeless, I huddled up in the corner, wet myself, and didn’t move for days, and soon they stopped trying to communicate, to clean me or even to feed me,
Food was placed in front of me, but as I no longer felt the drive to survive, eating was just a meaningless pointless task requiring effort and desire, all of which had left me, even breathing would have been too much trouble if it hadn’t have been autonomic,
The End ... Well NOT Actually !
So there you are, the as yet unfinished account of how my life changed so completely in less than a quarter of a second !
Will there be more to follow ... We'll See !!!
No comments:
Post a Comment