Today,

I think is the most physically painful day of my life,

And I've had a few, believe me ! 

Literally every single joint in my body is hurting, every bone every muscle,

I am not exaggerating or imagining it, this is the resultant pains of many combined problems,  

And I have not had a seconds relief,

I'm surprisingly coping, managing not to scream at Wendie to put me out of it, 

The day is sinking into evening, my pain is getting steadily worse, and I pray to survive one more day,  

I think my big toe is becoming necrotic,

And it's not the Pain that's made me ANGRY !!! 

I was assessed today, by Telephone, I don't meet the requirements for extra assistance, despite my heart. lung, breathing troubles, Diabetes , peripheral neuropathy, retinopathy (I'm going blind), I'm a stroke victim (at age 35), epileptic, Asthmatic, I have falls too regularly, depression, PTSD, I have problems walking, I'm afraid to leave home alone, to name just a few of my troubles and disabilities,

Ok I don't need any help,

I'm so glad I'm coping so well !!! 

And when they DO eventually amputate my lower legs, will I need help then ??? 

Of course I DO consider myself LUCKY !

Pain is bad today, Managed to go to club, but pain was the dominant feeling of the day, hey I'm still kicking, so things can't be so bad ! 

I don't always know why, but today I feel so much better, I'm in lot's of pain, almost unbearable pain to be honest,

But I've had support from my darling wife, my dearest of friends, and I went over to Club earlier and did some operating on the radio, preparing for my Talk / Lecture, I spoke to someone in Russia (Moscow), Poland, Spain and Romania, not bad for one short afternoons experimenting with the setup, with John there too, it was very pleasent,

If your a Radio Amateur like me, and interested in Digimodes (PSK, RTTY, SSTV etc.), take a look at G3LIV (Johnny Melvin) and his interfaces, They are Brilliant and work faultlessly, ans cusomer service is unbeatable, 

So as you see, I'm slowly crawling out of the dark place, Oh if you read and want to know about eBooks or eBook Readers then look at the forums etc on   http://www.mobileread.com/  a great friendly community with much info and help, and I have friemds there who have been so so supportive, 

Oh and the new friend I reached out my hand too, please feel free to get in touch ANYTIME, you will find broad shoulders and big ears   ...   perfect for listening !  

Clocks go Forward 1 Hour Tonight !  

Pain has been bad today, I'm copimg,

Held out a hand of friendship today,

To a new friend who needed love and understanding more than I did,

Wendie's working nights again, missing her loads,  

Coffee with John earler, that was nice, but I'm so tired and drained,

May go to club tomorrow Sunday to test out my Digimode Setup on the new laptop before I give my Talk / Lecture there on the 25th April 

I need sleep only managed 2 Hours Total last night / today

Survival is all that matters,

Today I survived,

And tomorrow still exists !  

Pain and Tiredness are winning,   

I'm lost,  

I'm finding this hard right now, I guess you may have realised, There's a lot going on in my life,

But I need to say, I am NOT unlucky,

I have LOVE around me, more than many people ever see,

Not only do I have the worlds loveliest wife, but I have friends, and particularly a friend I see as my SISTER, who always seems to know when I need a hug, when I need a kick up the backside, or when I just need to be alone, and this is someone who is so very very busy, and has her own issues too,

Meanwhile the pain is bad, my breathing is very bad, walking to the bathroom and back is exhausting me, and leaving me drained,

I'm not coping, I don't know what else can be done, I see no positive change in my future,

The love around me is all I have between hope and hopelessness!

And to another friend, another Ham who shares the loneliness of health issues, I'm sorry I will be in touch, It's been difficult to keep up the contacts I want too!  

Hey enough WALLOWING in self pity, I am still here, and this blog takes away a little of the stress, a little of the despair, thanks for listening,    

In a time when so many are suffering so greatly in many parts of the world,especially in Libya and even more so in Japan,

I really hate feeling sorry for myself!

But the loneliness and the despair of pain drags me down day after day, 

Today hasn't been that bad, as things go, but today I'm tired, physically tired, so tired I feel like crying, and mentally tired of seeing no change, of nothing improving or helpiung,

I'm tired of the latest witchhunt  against "Fat People",  

I rarely leave my home, I'm afraid of the taunting and teasing, I'm afraid of the problems I have walking and breathing,

I fall, that scares me, yeah I know , grow up!  

Man Up! 

In one fall a few weeks back, I couldn't even get up, so lucky Wendie was there,

I panick too,


Don't think I don't know I'm selfish, I do!  

I'd give my right arm to help in Japan or Libya, to help others to forget my pain,  

I'd just like to make the most of my life,

And to be Useful for the first time in nearly 12 years!  

Pain is really bad right now,

The hospital have wanted me to have both lower legs Amputated on several occassions, If they were to ask about my left one today, I'd say yes,  

I have a wretched headache too,

Oh well club to cheer me up ....   

SORRY  -  Internet connection was down for days  -  It's a "Pay as You Go !" connection and funds were short,

Anyway I'm back and kicking ! 

Radio Club tonight, Committee meeting, I'm secretary for trhe meeting,

Back Later  -  Lots to do !   

2 Survivors Found in JAPAN !!!  

HOORAY !!!   

http://www.redcross.org.uk/japantsunami/?approachcode=68836_yahoojapan  

just 1 of many ways to help !!! 

Good Night at Club yesterday, and a very stimulating amd useful lecture from Duncan  M0ORL, Thankyou Duncan,

JAPAN and the Earthquake,

I do not understand how the Japanese government or anyone else expects us to believe a death toll of 2.500, seeing the total devastion, and watching video of the moment ENTIRE villages, Towns and small Cities were SWEPT AWAY by the Tsunami, it is so totally obvious the number is MUCH MUCH higher,

A town, totally flattened with just just a handful of people wandering around dazed, where there had been 30,000 people before last Friday,

In all honest a figure of 250,000 might be nearer the mark, and though the Japanese goverment was very quick to reszpond, with massive aid from the military and the police, there are still many many areas of the NW Coast of Japan that remain unreached, unaided and the dead and lost uncounted,

International aid has arrived but hope of survivors has gone, Why were saerch and rescue not there next day, by now this should be possible!  

The great tradgedy that may still unfold, is the meltdown of a Nuclear Power Station, and a leak of Radiation that may yet kill many more, Just very very slowly,

Japan's situation is beyond all sympathy, how can anyone express enough for the people who are currently effected, over 500,000 Homeless,

JAPAN needs HELP NOW !!!  

Please find a way to help, DONATE   ....   MONEY, Food, Shelter, Clothing, find out where to do these things, hjow no matter how little you can do, ALL donations help, PLEASE Give NOW,

Whatever the TRUE numbers of dead, JAPAN is still very very much in need of URGENT help,

We are all having a hard time financially at the moment, But really can you imagine for yourself if your need was like that of the Japanese people, PLEASE give ANYTHING you can,

OK enough of that,

A reasonable morning for me, with moderate pain,

Added the content of my latest attempt to write a book, Life in general and Pain in particular got in the way and brought it to a premature end, So I thought I'd share it with you, it's under the title A Quarter of a Second, in the Pages list on the top  right of this page, take a look !

Yesterday I spent and extremely interesting afternoon at Beauchamp College in Leicester UK, for the :-  

Leicestershire and Rutland Family History Society  -  Open Day !  

The whole thing was interesting, informative and a really nice social occassion, the talks in the afternoon were very very good,

Best of all there was no cost to get in, though I did make a donation,

Thankyou to LRFHS for all their efforts in organising the event, and for the support, resources and expertese to help those of us exloring our Family History,

There is a link to their website on the right in my Links list, visit them, or your local society and find out more about Family History ! 

Japan's misery seems to be growing day by day, The whole world should unite to help the People of Japan, Donating Money, Food, Medical Supplies, and Shelter as well as anything else needed !    

We can ALL find a way to help with this, Right ?

It seems inconsequential by comparrison but my Pain level is high this morning, I'm alone, except for Delta, I WON'T give in to it, but I do wonder where to find the strength to fight,

Friendship, Love and Solidarity helps, Yeah Corny I know, but it is true, Yesterday 2 very special friends got in touch having read this blog, One shares a knowledge of pain, loneliness, and dsespair, even knowing I'm not alone brings a comfort pain meds can't provide, and a renewed vigour in fighting the decline,

But don't feel empathy for me, right now, find some small way to help Japan, their need is NOW !

Pain is moderately bad this morning,

Had a poor nights sleep,

But still hoping to go to the Leicestershire Family History Society open day with John, my friend from the Radio Club, I have traced Wendie's paternal line back to 1600, my own family I'm having little success, typical LOL,

Japan, the earthquake, total dead so far exceeds 10,000, they think half of one small town may have been killed, that alone would be 10,000 !  

Most of the dead are not directly due to the quake, but from the devastating Tsunami, Makes my problems seem totally insignificant, my thoughts, prayers and hopes are in Japan,

Dosed up on my meds to cope with the exertions of my day out,

Local Family History Society Open Day Tomorrow  ....   Should be interesting,  Hope my legs hold out !

Drink and Chat with John this afternoon, we set the world to rights,

Pain free so far this afternoon,

Awake very early, but what sleep I got was quality sleep, Pain level is moderate this morning, Managing to stay comfortable, my breathing is a bit difficult, chest got very very tight last night, not so bad this morning,

Wendie should have been at work last night, but had the night off, that was nice,  

Delta politely (Not !) refused the attention of a Husky yesterday, She looked pleased with herself, LOL,  

Watched the TV news, I feel for the people of Japan, The casualty numbers are increasing, still can't get to some areas so extent of damage etc unclear, They have officially asked for international help now,

Also feel for the people of Libya, the Rebellion appears unfortunately to be faltering, It's time we the people of the world helped I wish millions of us could just go there and help by joining the protests, bolstering the numbers, and making it impossible for the current government to regain power, NO need for military intervention, just the support of world citizens, Neiave I know, but one solution, risky to those who go, but I really wish we could make it happen, for the people of Libya!

Well an eventful day, poor Wendie is shattered, and I'm having to fight the pain which has been welling up all evening,

Please don't think I'm whinging, I live with the pain, but it is a struggle, and there's lots of it, It's not always easy to be HAPPY about fairly constant chronic pain,

I liken the neuropathy pain to having Molten Lava or an Acid flowing through the veins in my legs, the burning sensation is OFTEN intolerable,

Another day survived, Another day to be grateful for,

Nights Sleep was rather broken, but comfortable, pain was up a bit after going to bed, but still got off ok, awoke this morning fairly comfortable, but breathless, am ok though,

Massive 8.9 Quake in Japan, Looks really bad, worse still the Tsunami that followed, swept EVERYTHING away, a second Tsunami may be coming, thoughts with all there, also the first Tsunami may hit the whole Pacific Region, Hope our Aussie friends are all ok,

Breakfast time, I need to keep my stomach in the style of life it's used to,

Pain levels today so far anyway are tolerable, I haven't done much though, have to start Wendie's dinner soon, at least standing cooking shouldn't be a problem today,

I hate the Internet, I keep seeing new TOYS I want but can't afford, been drooling over a Software Defined Radio, oh well maybe one day, after all not long had a new laptop, so I should be satisfied, but hey I LOVE gadgets  hehehe ! 

Delta the dog has been cuddling up with me most of the day, that's kind of comforting,

Slept heavily, unfortunately not for too long, oh well, also a bit sore and aching all over, at least the Neuropathy pains are minimal at the moment,  

Still considering posting my account of living with PTSD, I'll give it a few days, truth is I don't think anyone else is even reading this, yeah I know it's boring, but I needed a release, at times things were just getting too much, so hence I post my musings here, hey it's Cathartic right ?  

Living with PAIN really is a pain, and a lot more soul destroying than you can imagine, it creeps into so many areas of your life, Diabetes, day to day, is not such a bother, but the costs of poor control and it's side effects are often devastating, even if only emotionally,

Add them all up, with various other illness's, and life can become quite difficult,

Crying your eyes out, telling your adoring and adorable wife and soulmate that you can't cope anymore, begging them to end it for you, yeah I know, selfish, but sometimes, well sometimes you just can't escape the pain and the helplessness,

I wake somedays deciding I'm going to stop being a Diabetic because I don;t like it !  

But today, So far is a GOOD day, and I'm coping, today I want to carry on, today Life is a positive experience,

Well a comfortable evening, the pain has hung around, but I've managed to control it, so a pleasant evening with Wendie for company,

A while back, I started writing, what I hoped would become a book, but a few bad days in a row, and I as usual lost my impetus and couldn't get back in the grove,

It was about a real life incident 30 years ago while serving in the Army, I suffered PTSD and Depression as a consequence and was in hospital for sometime afterwards,

I doubt I'll ever finish it, but the little I have started, I thought of putting here in small chunks, I'll think on it !  

Well early start tomorrow, desperately need sleep, Goodnight,  

Gritting my teeth, and struggling to deal with the pain, Day hasn't really got any better, am alone too sop brooding a little, Sorry,

Not a great night or a great start to the new day, The pain in my legs is moderately severe today!

The pain came back, Not looking forward to the night,

I had hoped for another night free of it,

Oh well, Pain tells me I'm still alive!

She's Home,

Well they kept her overnight, prodded and poked, drained her of pints of blood so she'd have me believe, and then sent her home, not really sure yet as to why her heart was slow,

So tired and weary, but safely sat at home Hooray,

I'm very tired today, not slept at all well for days, but thankfully the pain levels have been pretty good again today,

So all in all life is good today !

They kept mum in hospital, no further news yet,

Goodnight at Radio Club, the new club website was launched, the presentation by Kelvin G4ZTD and Mike M6MDR went down very very well,

Only a little pain today, 

God Bless Mum  -  Sleep Well

Mum 74, went to the GP earlier, she's been having non specific chest problems for a while, Whilst there, they decided she was Bradychardic (Slow Heart Rate), and arranged for her to go into the local Cardiac Unit there and then,

I'm waiting on news, will probobly visit tomorrow if they keep her in, or later today, if they have finished prodding and poking her and finding out whats wrong! 

My thoughts are with mum

Well Good Morning World !

I had so little sleep last night, and I am so desperately tired, but other than that I feel GOOD !

Sometimes living with Diabetes is a real pain, and I often want to just stop being a Diabetic   ...   If only!
Peripheral Neuropathy, a side effect of poor diabetes control plays the biggest part in my life, PAIN, fills my world, but when you wake and there is NO pain that morning, then believe me you feel like celebrating, 

A friend, older than me, more advanced in the deterioration, had his lower leg amputated under a year ago, it got to him, He appears to be giving up, today I can fight, lets hope it stays that way!!!!!!

Today has been kind of good, except for the headache, which hung around all day, at least the legs have been ok,

So not to much to say, even sat watching TV    ...  An Adam Sandler film, I love getting a night off from the pain,

It's Radio Club tomorrow, Something to look forward too,

Vicki, a very dear friend put a ray of sunshine into my weekend, and my memory isn't good, but friendship and kindness I NEVER forget ! 

Awoke this morning fairly early, was Hypo, I had an horrendous headache, still haven't shifted it, still managed to go for Coffee with my friend John, we tend to have a weekly natter at the weekend, it passes away a couple of hours pleasently,

Want to do some more research on the family history today, but at the moment heads too bad to concentrate, I have eMails and PM's to catch up on too,

Sun is even out, it's been grey and dull last few days, 

The sun's going down, evening draws in, and I'm winning the battle,

The Pain has defeated the meds, 3 hours for next dose, trying hard to distract myself,

In a world where things sometimes seem hopeless, often there is a ray of sunshine, an act of Kindess and Love, the tenderness of a friend, the Good Morning Kiss of a wife, and suddenly, a Smile and a Tear shjare the same face, and the day seems warmer, lighter,  more palitable and comfortable,

Maybe pain wont suddenly disappear but bearing it that day becomes just a teeny bit easier, and maybe the sky seems to have less clouds hanging over you,

Life is about making the most of what you have, reality isn't always that easy, But right now I can conquer entire universes, because the love of a wife and that of a dear friend give hope that today IS worth living!

First post...

Things aren’t great pain wise here, I’ll cope, but it is dragging me down, It also appears that not only am I deteriorating, but I had a email newsletter from Diabetes UK there was a link to an article about Diabetic neuropathy’s, I appear to have symptoms of them all, not just some of the symptoms, but every single one of them for every type of neuropathy,

Don’t get me wrong I’m not panicking, I will see my GP and talk to my specialist too, but it is kind of a bitter blow, I’m having other problems too, so generally not much fun,

I also can’t get on with my writing, I’ve given up, I really wanted to get this done, especially if I am deteriorating as much as I think, I’ll cope, but it is getting harder to put on a brave face!

Wendie’s doing good , just working too hard as usual, Delta’s a nuisance so is Dayne.

Club isn’t a lot of fun either, I’ve been asked to give a lecture/talk on PSK31, it’s a mode of communications, used by Hams, it needs computers linked to radio’s and some very clever software, which I helped in a very very small way in the development of one of the programs we use.